Complete the following and post in your blog:
- Practice the universal Loving Kindness (meditation) exercise on p. 93.
- Complete the Integral Assessment discussed in chapter 11 (p.115).
- Describe the exercise and assessment process. What did you discover about yourself? What area have you chosen to be a focus of growth and development? Why? What are some specific exercises or activities that you can implement to foster greater wellness in this area?
I did not take the time to practice the loving kindness exercise, because I have too much going on psychologically right now.. such as inner pressure to get a lot of different things done, and the thought of taking the time to do the exercise is anxiety producing. That being said I have in a way practiced this exercise without officially sitting down to go through all of the steps.. which relates to the other things I plan to say in this blog.
Reflecting on the different parts of the integral assessment, I have determined that my two most immediate areas that need focus for growth and development are psychospiritual & interpersonal. By these I mean that I worry all the time and it is very disabling, and my marriage. I have also identified another psychospiritual factor is connected to both of these areas, and that is that I have very low self-esteem. I have a diagnosis of OCD, however I no longer am controlled by compulsions to do things to relieve my anxiety (which started when I was 17). I have read that you are never cured from OCD, and I have found this is true, because it rules a large part of my life. The most commonly known component of OCD is the need to do ritualistic things such as hand washing repeatedly, in order to relieve anxiety. Another component of OCD which I still suffer from and have since I was 17 years old when the disorder first manifested is perfectionism. When I refer to perfectionism, I am not referring to being organized, which everyone seems to lable as being OCD. Truthfully, I am too overwhelmed in my thoughts to be organized. If I were to do everything that I feel and think I should do, in the fashion that I feel compelled to do them, then I would have nothing left, and I have 5 kids, homework to do, and a full time job, along with personal pursuits.. therefore I don't give in to those tendencies. But as part of the OCD, I still obsess if I don't believe I did something right, and I berate myself mentally, or I replay it repeatedly, thinking of what I should have done differently.. and this takes a lot out of me emotionally, and also as a result, I never feel confident or good about myself. I observe others and how they are able to feel accomplished and proud of themselves because they made a little effort and completed a small thing. I wish it were that simple for me. Nothing is ever good enough and I am never good enough, and as a result I am always miserable and my significant others (this spouse and the last) are miserable because they don't understand why I am unable to be happy or satisfied. They always tell me to relax and not worry. But that is really hard to do.
I have accepted that I will always suffer from OCD and have gotten back on medication for it, which helps when it starts taking effect, if it is right. Specific exercises that I can do? Well, I can take the time to meditate, even if it just for 5 minutes to reflect. The witnessing mind exercise has been tremendously helpful, because it allows me to reflect and learn about myself and what my inner needs on. That is what I reflect on, is what my deeper needs are. That relates to my marriage. My current spouse and I have only been married for 2 1/2 years and have a lot of junk to work through, such as misunderstandings and mainly communication. On my end, what I have had to learn to do is set personal boundaries with my spouse, such as what I will and will not take responsibility for. His anger is not my fault or my problem, neither is his choices. It seems that in many unhealthy relationships, or even in normal ones where there is conflict, it has a lot to do with spouses expecting the other spouse to take responsibility or fix something that is not their problem to fix. On the other hand, as I stop and reflect on my own anger and hurt feelings, meditating (using the witnessing mind exercise), I am beginning to see that a lot of my own anger has more to do with my dissatisfaction with myself, and not on what my spouse is or is not doing, therefore as I stop and sit on my feelings before reacting, and meditate about the deeper issues or my needs, I am able to let myself be responsible for my issues, while communicating to him nicely what my wishes and needs are. Communication is key. Also, upon recent reflection, I have gained insight into marriages such as how people tend to leave their marriage when the going gets rough, just to jump into another unhappy relationship. I think that we need to learn how to make one relationship work, before jumping into another, because a lot of our problems aren't necessarily hopeless, but rather we just don't know how to fix them. A lot of times there are deeper issues involved that if not fixed on our own end, will just go along with us and contribute to more failure. I can completely see that we need to fix ourselves.. through learning about ourselves and our personal needs and asking how we can meet those needs in a satisfactory way (that won't hurt us in the long run), and these exercises that help us be more mentally whole and happy are key. Thanks for reading :)
It is sad how many people give up on their marriages. It shouldn't be so quickly thrown away. The reality is that marriage is hard. No marriage is perfect and it takes great effort by both spouses to make it work. Communication as you mentioned is very important. Spouses should be able to talk through their issues and concerns calmly and respectfully. Easier said than done sometimes. It is also important to set boundaries and to have an outlet for your anger that is respected by the spouse. If you need to walk away and cool off they should let you and vice versa. But it is important to come back and talk it through and not ignore it (You'll just blow up about it again later). One thing I try to do is think of ways to make my spouses day better. I'm sure I could still do better at this as I'm not totally selfless. But I've noticed my husband has started doing the same thing lately like asking if I need any water and getting it for me (I drink a ton of water!). One thing that's really cute is to do something special for your spouse and then put a sticky note on it that says SHMILY which stands for "See How Much I Love You". When he sees it he'll be all kinds of happy. : ) Another thing I've done is to place a specific Bible verse about love on our refrigerator door. We try to read it as often as we can. Even if you aren't a believer it's a great verse to follow! "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Repeating these verses every day is a great reminder of how to treat and react to your spouse and others. You can even use it as a Mantra if you wish. I think the hardest thing in a marriage is for both spouses take their pride out of the equation. Pride can cause all kinds of problems in a marriage. Focusing on the attributes of love, working on self-less behavior, and stop pride in its tracks will go a long way to improving the health of your marriage. I don't know if any of this has helped you or not. It's just some things that I've found that help me and my hubby. We are all a work in progress! : )
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